Sunday, October 29, 2006

My nemeses!

Wendi likes to tease me about people I look like. Hence, I cannot claim full responsibility for this particular post.

Everybody looks like somebody else, don't they? I have my own lookalikes. I'm kind of superstitious -- I have this paranoid feeling that, were one of them and I to meet, we would have to fight to the death.

Anyway... I'm like, so proud that I look like Shaun White. Once upon a time, I had hair as long as he. Of course, it didn't nearly as good as his....

"'ello Guvvna!!!!!"

Dick Van Dyke is warmly remembered by all for his chinmney sweep in Mary Poppins. At least I don't talk like that... most of the time. Handsome cuss he is. I'm not ashamed to look like Dick Van Dyke.

I'm also flattered to look like Dan Marino as a tough, young and handsome football player - though I can't claim to play football like him -- or at all. In fact, the guy would surely kill me in a fight.

I begin to be uncomfortable when Wendi tells me I look like John Heder -- Napoleon Dynamite, specifically. I don't know what to say... GOD!!!

What I really can't stand though is my final, and most hated nemesis. I will not speak his name -- please do not, in my presence. Should I ever meet this man in person, surely I should go into ninja mode, ready to defend myself from his deadly prop-comedy. No. There is no love lost between me and...


Enemy. Mine.

I shall eat his still-beating heart, and bathe in his blood.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The retarded language of love

Most married couples can probably relate to this: sometime after we got married, my wife & I developed our own language -- and I don't mean an intelligent language full of flowery Shakespearean metaphors in iambic pentameter, full of wit and vigorous wordplay. No, I mean a language that may as well be spoken by two-year-olds, or perhaps some of the more developed species of Australopithecus.

I remember my own mom and dad talking this way occasionally when I was a kid. "Hi?" with a sharply rising inflection expressed a certain dismay. My dad used to call my mom a variety of weird names such as "littles." And everyone in my family can recall times when their mutual laughter veered disturbingly into a strange chain reaction of hysterical, uncontrollable and crazed laughter that ended with my mom weeping and my dad red as a beet.

I used to think this weirdness was just my mom and dad... oh no. I give you our marital dictionary, which is much larger, but even more incomprehensible...

M&W's Dorky Dictionary

Alright. - said with a downward and final-sounding inflection, this is a joking way we agree with each other while joking that we are arguing. If it sounds too complex, it's because it is.

Barg! - angry frustration

Bleh. - want to go back to bed

Blobbus, boo or beau - our cat Malmo

Doof - what she calls me when I do or say something dumb, which is unfair of her because I never have. Never!

Eeb - I'm hurting

Fine! - much like "alright." except that this means that we are joking that we are arguing while actually agreeing. Don't ask.

Fleeb (aka Fleebus - from Fleabag) - our fat cat Michelle

Gack! - disgust, physical or mental

Garg - why me?

Gooba gooba gooba - this must be sung to a silly faux-lounge scat melody that Wendi made up.

Gorb - tired

Gorbus - boredom

Gorg - exhaustion

Gubzub - i'm sleepy

Holla! - alright!

Honeyplop or sweetypoo or baybee - what I call Wendi

Hubba or gubbahubba or lovablebubble - what Wendi calls me

Mafoo - Wendi's affectionate name for me. Aw!

Oog - Wendi's term for "I want you to rub me.... NOW!

Pleeb? - please

Punk out - what she says I do when I get mad

uh-Vootoo - you suck

Woman! - what I say when she gets on my nerves

Yebbis - yes. This comes from Mushmouth on the 70s cartoon Cosby Kids. I think/

Yumb - very tasty! (we have taken to adding a 'b' to almost any word that ends in an 'm' or an 'n' (dumb, gum, home, exam, etc.). This comes from an painting we saw hanging in a restauraunt someime back. It has proved a virulent meme that is spreading to more words -- we have recently begun overemphasizising our trailing plosives, as in the words 'pop' or 'mop'... things are spiraling out of control!)

And of course there are uncountably many more little idiosyncratic expressions, gestures and silly in-jokes that make absolutely no sense to anyone else... or to us, for that matter. I guess it's a cute enough aspect of our marriage, but I don't like to think of where we'll be many years from now, gibbering buffoons with zero comprehensiblity or social graces... much like Dad ;-)

Oh well, as a married person once said when I received blank looks from some other, unmarried people after relating some dumb antidote like this.... it's a marriage thing, you wouldn't understand.

Who would? A retarded chimpanzee, that's who.