Suckcess can be yours :-)

Finally, I have it!!!!!!!

The time is close to finals, attention to which consumes a lot of my time. Many of you have discovered this truth when I've buttonholed and bored you with arcane arcane accounting concepts. To avoid my responsibilities, I made a list while procrastinating my studies tonight.

Matt's 5-Step Formula to College Suckcess

1. Resign yourself to having no life for several months. Repeat next semester.

You don't need friends when you're trying to get a problem right involving the "Percentage-completion Revenue Recognition Method" and attempting to complete an income statement. You think those T-accounts will just analyze themselves?!? Make some time during the weekends to have fun. Don't blow that precious 15 minutes between getting off 8 hours' work and opening the squeaky classroom door. You might be able to... I dunno, sleep on the bus or something. Slacker!!!!!

2. Talk negatively about the teacher behind his/her back.

Admit it -- skool sucks, and the last thing you need is somebody imposing arbitrary rules on crap on which you spent your best effort. Students know a good teacher when they have one, and will go out of their way to kick ass. Students with a bad teacher will talk and gossip. If you are unfortunate enough to have a bad teacher, go out of your way to seek out other students of similar mind. I guarantee you that you are not alone. Gossip! Slander! Let the obscenities fly! It won't improve your grade, but it might give you some fleeting satisfaction. And fleeting satisfaction is all you will get by passing the class, anyway :-)

3. Shameless groveling is a virtue.

OK, you just put it off and didn't think about the assignment until it was far too late. You lost it and your dog ate it. These things happen, don't you understand? Your spleen had to be removed from your nose, or perhaps you secretly nurse a grudge against a teammate from that dumb group project. Get over it and eat crow like a... um, crow. Your goal is to maximize the extenuating circumstances that prevented you from using maximum effort while simultaneously minimizing the effort it was possible for you to give. This is circular logic, but we're all adults here, aren't we?

4. Classroom "participation"

The class is boring, the teacher obtuse and the material is impenetrable by both. Why not go with the flow? The teacher probably knows little more than yourself, so feel free to expound upon his/her thoughts while subtly undermining them, and even boldly point out some logical errors. At the very least the teacher will remember you as being absent far less than you actually were. If you're in a bad mood, don't be afraid to get mean. Take the teacher's side when delivering withering criticism against a fellow student. It never fails to satisfy, and might endear you to this "teacher" also. A possible bump to the next letter-grade?

5. Attitude, attitude, attitude

Don't think of a college degree as the key to success, or as an indicator of your intelligence. It are not. Only your own ruthless attention to your GPA and mastering the subject of the next test will make any difference in your grades. Even in the end, if you put them on your resume, potential employers won't check them for veracity. I'm sorry, but there are plenty of people out there who can calculate a statement of cash flows from an income statment and information changes in balance sheet accounts. You think you're so special.